NIH Spends Millions on Hopped-Up Honeybees and Sexy Goldfish, Then Asks for Zika Funding
What do honeybees on cocaine((They really are dangerous, they become all hyped up, then they crash.), drunken songbirds,( I saw a couple of them staggering down the street singing a TWEET song) and sexy goldfish have in common?(They all have in common is because the fucks in washington is throwing money away again) Each was the subject of extensive, taxpayer-funded research and each features prominently in Sen. Jeff Flake’s most recent expose on government waste.
The Arizona Republican’s oversight report—”Twenty Questions: Government Studies That Will Leave You Scratching Your Head“—highlights $35 million worth of federally funded research projects of dubious merit.
It’s part of an effort to increase oversight and efficiency in government research.
“When federal agencies don’t spend our limited research dollars wisely,” Flake said, “they’re not just wasting money, they’re missing opportunities, and we can’t afford either.”Shit we must find something else stupid enough to spend it on . I know how about a million for seeing how long an alligator CAN walk on a treadmill, cool huh.
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The overseas Ebola epidemic, Flake’s office said, provided the original impetus for this study. In 2014 the director of the National Institutes of Health, Dr. Francis Collins,complained that lack of government funding hampered the agency’s effort to develop a vaccine for the Ebola virus.( WHY would we need this, forget it)
It did not, however, keep the NIH from spending part of its $32 billion budget to study the appearance of Jesus Christ’s face on toast( and some smart guy actually put it on e-bay and made big bucks on it), the musical preferences of monkeys,( this is very important because monkeys never are in sync because the like different ) and the contagious nature of yawning.( Damn that made me sleepy)
Flake, who is chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Subcommittee on Africa and Global Health, argues that the funding would be better deployed to find “treatments for cancer, Alzheimer’s disease, and viral infections such as Zika and Ebola.”( I have a better idea , how about funding Obama so he won’t feel broke when he leaves office)
The NIH funding that Flake finds questionable( oh really) often flowed to academic research facilities.
The Oregon Health & Science University spent $5 million studying whether zebra finches altered their singing habits when intoxicated.( I heard that they had one hell of a party and they not singing about it) Researchers found that alcohol “measurable affects the song”( That is not a good name for a song, let’s do better the next time with the six million they will give us.) of inebriated avian.
A researcher at the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana, Gene Robinson,spent $242,600 in taxpayer funds to observe the impact of cocaine on honeybees.( Does this idiot know that cocaine is illegal and did he use maybe just a little) When hopped up on the stimulant, the insects are “about twice as likely to dance,”( Have you ever seen a honey bee dance ? They can’t dance they sting each other if they do )( so he did use some of the cocaine) he found.
At Bowdoin College in Maine, researchers spent $3.6 million on a study entitled “The Good, the Bad, and the Sexy:(Wasn’t that a movie) How Brain Chemistry Affects Social Judgment.”( only a judge can say) Toward that end, scientists asked, “What makes goldfish feel sexy?”Man it sure makes them look better) Researchers discovered that when given sex steroids, male goldfish exhibited more social behavior and swam closer to their female counterparts.( Viagra , muslims ,and mexicons has that effect on some people)
Flake’s report comes as the White House calls for a standalone emergency packageworth nearly $2 billion to prepare for the coming Zika virus.( This makes good as a slush fund)
On April 17, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the NIH’s National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, called for additional funding from Congress on CBS News’ “Face the Nation.”( Holy shit we are now funding FACE THE NATION everything is going to hell in a hand basket)
“Right now, we’re using money from other accounts to [fight the virus],( You got 2 billion and that was not enough)” Fauci said. “And that is going to be just a stopgap measure. We are going to have to get the money to be able to do the BLOW job we planned to do.”
But Flake insists that Congress needs to do a better job overseeing how already allocated money is being spent.( HELL IT’S NOT THEIR MONEY WHY SHOULD THEY CARE)
Washington, he said, must “set clear goals for federally funded research, improved transparency to ensure tax dollars are being prioritized to meet those goals, and reduced wasteful and duplicative spending on lesser priorities.”( YEAH , DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH ON THAT ONE)
Flake has carved out a career in Congress going after questionable federal expenditures.( aND WE APPRECIATE ALL THAT YOU DO )
In December, the fiscal hawk released an annual “Wastebook” outlining over $100 billion in what he described as “wasteful government spending.” Before that, he had released three other oversight reports with similar examples.( ARE YOU SHITTIN ME , WITH ALL THE STARVING PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ,YOU GUYS ARE SCUMBAGS)